Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Burnt Lands

Low sec in EVE reminds me of an inner city ghetto. Kids with ski masks ganging up on someone and threatening to stick em if he doesn't give up his chain and the $5 in his wallet. Pimped out "economy" class space ships flying around because nice rides get left on a stack of bricks with nothing left but the stale air freshener you were supposed to change 5 months ago. Seedy people hanging outside the stations wearing aviators, smoking a cigarette, eyeing people up until they see someone weak enough they can take his pocket change to get themselves a cup of coffee. You all get the idea.

Then, there's the rest of EVE. They know low sec exists. They certainly have opinions on it and about the people that choose to call it their home. They spot the low sec gates on their overview while surfing the calm relaxing currents of high sec in their luxury billion isk Sundays best. Or pass nearby on patrol scanning down the latest sites in 0.0 turf. They even give advice to newer players about low sec based on their assumptions of what it's like. This can be both hilarious and really annoying to players who actually live or know life in low sec. It's like me thinking I'm privileged, intelligent, and amazing enough to make wild statements based on assumption that high sec is full of nothing but a bunch of bumbling retards who couldn't find their way out of the noob zone because it's too big :P... It's not necessarily true but if I spammed it in the rookie channel using ALL CAPS some people might believe me.

Altho, Mr Snypes is officially on vacation I decided to start up a trial account and play a bit o EVE. This was actually inspired by a post made by a friend of the Tuskers I happened to read because it was linked by another Tusker blog that I checked because yet another Tusker blog mentioned something about a new post on the previous Tusker blog.... yeah there's a lot of Tusker blogs big whoop wanna fight about it? Anyways, it was about a 1 day old character who got lost in low sec and ended up having an impressive start to his EVE career thanks to some generous Tuskers.

With my new character I was quickly invited to the public chat of a noob training corp run by several 4-5 year old players... I asked some dumb questions to try and hide the fact I had previous experience then popped the PVP question. There was a lot of talk about needing to train tons of skills and needing expensive ships before i could start learning PVP to be any good. This 4 year old character even said that pirates were not PVPers!!! Thanks to these asses all the new players in that corp are screwed for the rest of their EVE careers. Do you think we will ever see any of those pilots in low sec? Hell no, they hardly know how to fit a mining laser yet they're so scared of low sec they would already piss themselves the second they saw a pirate light up a smoke or open a pack of chewing gum.

The only reason I play EVE is to have fun. So naturally as soon as possible I was out causing trouble and wound up with a few kills using a 4 day old trial character. I even ransomed a guy for money when i couldn't break his tank (he didn't notice) so I could buy better mods for my ship. The players in that noob corp looked at me like I was some sort of freak of nature. How did I kill that guy that was 5 months older then myself in a bigger ship they asked. Before the older players kicked me from the channel for "pirate" activities I just told the new guys a pirate taught me how to do it ;)


Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Daughter of the Honey Maker

Ghosts of my past began to haunt my mind as I lay in vacation paradise. The space bunnies were playing volleyball, surfing, laughing, playing all around yet my thoughts felt distant. Perhaps I had one drink too many I thought as the blackness consumed me.

Space, my home, my hunting ground, my way of life in new eden. The space bar was pretty vacant by Tash-Murkon standards. The regular riffraff must have been out harassing the latest miner in the vast beltscape that surrounded it's most infamous planet. I was about ready to leave when beauty showed it's face. She scanned the bar for a moment then stepped up to me and introduced herself as Miss Honey Bee.

My first reaction was "What the hell are you wearing?" but the hypnotic scent of honey swirled through the air and began to numb my mind.

"I need a strong pilot to help me with an important mission" She whispered into my ear.

I can't remember much what happened but next thing I knew like a good worker bee I was out in the belts of Tash-Murkon in a Vexor mining veldspar into a honey pot. The regular flies came to visit but having died to my swatter before left the scene. Then a new face showed.

"Vexor, Vexor strong and bold. I'll take your honey into my hold" said the Rifter pilot who warped into the belt.

"You people are damn weird" I said as I made my way back to station to swat this arrogant fly. I fitted weapons and made my way back to the scene. Little did I know a devious trap had been laid for me by the enemies of Miss Honey Bee.

The Rifter had left and agression was gone. I figured I would just re-flip the honey pot and resume. Moments after I had done this a Rapier had decloaked and locked me down. I didn't even know what a Rapier was yet I fought back with all my might.

For most people getting tackled by a Rapier isn't usually a good thing. On this day however with a small percentage of hull left my Vexor emerged victorious. I was still a young pilot of about 4 months old at the time and this was before the age of cheap rigs. I actually had to look up what type of ship I had killed after the dust settled.

Miss Honey Bee showed her appreciation on the ride back to station. Everything was cool and dandy until she introduced me to the rest of her family.

That's when the hypnotic sense of honey lost it's touch and i got the hell out of that weird ass system.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

I See Double: Spirit of the Month

It's time for another installment of spirit of the month. Yeah I missed the month of June because whatever it was I drank made me forget. This month however it's Iceberg Vodka.

To the naked eye this stuff looks like it would be absolutely terrible. The packaging screams drink mouthwash instead because it would taste better. It took a long while to build up the courage to try a first sip and I was prepared for the worst. In the end it was quite smooth and non-offensive. This I believe is the boozes strongest secret. It disguises itself from booze snobs who would ultimately catch on and drive the price way up. Since this stuff looks so cheap it could blind you most people don't even bother trying it I'd imagine to discover it's really a decent vodka for it's price range. Just don't let your guests see the bottle otherwise you may be spending the night alone.

Enough booze makes any party fun however. Even this one :P

So party on my fellow pirates and catch a wench by the toe... if she hollers let her go for a small isk donation otherwise send her back to the clone vat.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Mr Snypes On Vacation

Well friends, the Ishkurwagon is packed and the surfboards are attached to the roof. Mr. Snypes has filed his papers with the Tuskers and is now officially off on vacation. My crew and I have selected a nice recreational beach planet to enjoy ourselves on. Many space bunnies will be sporting the latest summer fashions as well.




and Foxy

... are just some of the girls who were kind enough to feature in the summer issue of Space Bunnies magazine.

Luckily for you guys (the readers) I will still continue posting throughout the summer. I have many EVE related stories that have yet to be told. This should hopefully tide some of you over until I bring my account online when summer is over. I enjoy writing these posts and would not like to see this blog fall into the "inactive" category.

Anyways, have a great summer! (or winter)


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Space Rage

People around Heverice often know me from my extremely loud ship audio systems. They can shake the plates right off your vessel if I pull up beside you at a stargate. You can yell at me all you want calling me things like a no good punk and to turn it down but the cold hard fact is I won't hear you. I'll just see your crunched up facial expression and your lips flapping while you flail your arms in the air.

and yes if you do things like that you will look like a complete idiot...

Oh and one other thing... don't mouth off to a -10 Pirate. He has guns on his ship dummy.

R.I.P to Gettecker, oldgravyleg, and Lady Mariko the latest space rage victims...


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Never Use The Captains Washroom... Ever!!!

So I was in the hanger area when I felt the need to take a little time out. Knowing the station facilities were at the other end of the hanger I asked one of the crew members of a nearby Thorax named "Starship Funk" if I could quickly use the washroom.

"Go right ahead, the boss isn't here at the moment but I'm sure he wouldn't mind". The man said.

Being in command of many Thorax cruisers in the past I didn't even think twice about using the luxury throne room reserved for captains use only. Upon washing my hands I noticed the name embroidered in the hand towels "Captain James Brown". The name sort of rang a bell but I couldn't quite place it. I then exited the ship and went about my day.

I was later walking past one of the stations news monitors when I heard a familiar name being broadcast.

"One captain James Brown was reported to have held several members of his crew at gunpoint earlier today after discovering a floater in his office washroom. Concord Police arrived on the scene only to have it escalate into a high speed ship chase across many regions. Captain James Brown was eventually captured and is currently being held in custody..."

Seems I have a knack for causing trouble even when I'm not out in space.

Translation: I'm busy and haven't played much EVE.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Wild Style Prison Break

So I went into Amarr low sec. Guess what I saw? Nothing!

Suitable targets have been hard to come by recently it seems. So like a dummy, I go into the most deserted and dull part of all EVE. The only real excitement was getting chased by a Rapier that wanted to kill me so badly, because he was so bored, he followed me for yes... 10 jumps!

I often wonder why I go on these long journeys sometimes. I think It has to do with this feeling deep down inside that one day I will find a second home. A nice vacation spot I can visit from time to time. I love basing out of Heverice but there are times when every system I enter a Tusker will already be there to greet me. I think I'm getting arthritis in my wrist from waving so much. It's nice having friends and backup around but sometimes I need to pay attention to my inner lone wolf.

With the new access to planet schematics all pod pilots have been issued I figured I would have a quick look in an attempt to cure boredom. On a jungle planet deep in the wasteland that is Amarr low sec I spotted a prison camp. Apparently when a shipment of exotic dancers gets captured by Amarr customs this is where they are sent.

The Big Doll House (1971) (trailer)

I quickly threw together a bible merchant disguise and went planetside. The thing about the Amarrian Bible is it's the perfect weight for clubbing someone in the head not to mention thick enough to stop a bullet. After pulling a few slick moves with ninja swiftness I managed to free all the prisoners.

As we made our break a Curse chased my Ishkur for at lest 5 jumps on the way back to Heverice. I sent him the Rapier pilots number and told him they should hook up sometime.

You will be happy to know all the exotic dancers are now safe and back in Gallente space where they belong. Some have even decided to enroll in the Space Bunnies Academy for a chance to start exciting new careers. I guess that's pretty alright considering I have absolutely 0 kills to show for this weekend :(


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

1 v 4

Hello friends, Mr Snypes hasn't been up to too much this week besides helping dust some war target scum in a rather dull engagement of undock, click, click, watch explosion, dock. Mrs Snypes has been enforcing a strict regiment of spring cleaning along with some regular market transactions so this poor pirate hasn't seen much action. It's times like these I often find myself staring out the space station window surrounded by empty bottles reflecting on past glories...

Her name was Phoenix, a fresh graduate from the Space Bunnies Academy.

I was upset over some rookie calling me an asshat after he narrowly escaped my scrambler. I probably had a few too many drinks as a result. Leaving system I vaguely remember screaming at some industrial pilot to keep off the road as I slammed into the side of his large vessel on the stargate. No real damage had been done luckily.

After spending a moment gathering my thoughts Phoenix suddenly asked if she could take control of the Incursus class frigate for a while. I only have one response when a space bunny asks to fly one of my ships and it's "can you fly stick?". Judging by her grin I could see she at least appreciated my corny humor so I gave her control of the ship.

Phoenix onlined the audio system and selected a track.

It wasn't long before we found ourselves face to face with a small frig gang who appeared to be visiting from high sec. They locked our Incursus and started firing. One Incursus from their fleet had jumped through the stargate to Ladister in an attempt to catch us should we try to flee. A Punisher, Rifter, and Ares remained on the Aschee side of the Aschee/Ladister gate. In an attempt to separate our foes Phoenix initiated the jump sequence causing the ship to lurch from the activation of the giant stargate.

Upon landing in Ladister the enemy Incursus was allowed to tackle us as the Ares soon followed. By the time the dust had settled they had lost an Incursus and a Punisher before killing my Incursus. Hats off to Phoenix for a job well done. I wasn't too upset about the loss considering the odds. We sped back to Heverice and celebrated the exciting engagement in the close quarters of my luxury escape capsule ;)


Sunday, May 23, 2010

Battle Execuror

So a while back I was working on a video when my graphics card died. I never ended up replacing it and abandoned the project. Not wanting it to go to waste now (about 5 months later) I decided to post it anyways...

The original joke was to see how many things I could kill with a piece of garbage. It seemed to work out ok even tho it's pretty incomplete.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Never Trust a Man Named Jiminy

So I was out browsing in a market section trying to find some spirits to kick a hangover when this spry chap danced up to me and introduced himself as Jiminy. He asked if perhaps I would be interested in some of his special merchandise.

I was interested in staring at his assistant for a moment longer so I allowed him to continue.

Jiminy and his assistant danced some form of jig for a moment which was then followed up by more of his assistants popping out of nowhere and chiming in.

Jiminy said there had been a shipping error and he had received some extra "Special Ops" Mymidon battlecruisers that he was selling off for cheap. He said I looked like a smart man who could appreciate a good bargain which naturally I had to agree with. He sealed the deal by making a nice comment about my space bubble hat and I walked away the proud owner of 2 "Special Ops" Myrmidons.

Fast foreward a bit and there I was, In space with one of my new Myrms fully confident in my invincibility. It didn't matter that a whole gang had tackled me on a stargate because this was no ordinary Myrm. Burning for the stargate I grinned as I pounded my fist on the Special Ops speed boost button. It caved in revealing it was nothing more then painted over cardboard. "Damn you Jiminy!!!" echoed though the depths of space as my ship exploded.

To save some embarassement I had the hanger crew scrape off the decals that said "Special Ops" on the second Myrm and off I went once again. I found myself engaged in combat along with fellow Tusker Proxyyyy when once again something terrible happened. The next Myrm was taken down due to a corroded power link coupler that must have been salvaged off of a mothballed Vexor or something. It was enough to get me caught by a Rapier that held me down for the gang. Luckily it didn't affect the turrets so I assisted in killing the Rapier along with a Buzzard moments before.

If I ever see that damn Jiminy again I'm gonna sell him his teeth back for a "good deal".


Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Adventures of Broadway and Poppy Seed

I was spending a little recreational time (and isk) in one of Heverice's fine space pubs. Suddenly four beautiful women entered and sat next to me at the bar. After a second glance it turned out there were only two and I was just seeing double. Introductions were made and I learned that they went by the names of Broadway

and Poppy Seed.

Poppy Seed made her way to the antique jukebox and selected a song.

Apparently they were two drifters that happened to be passing through the area. After several drinks things were getting pretty out of control and we found ourselves stumbling around the hanger district. It wasn't but moments later that a brand new Incursus class frigate was being loaded with spirits and prepared for undock. It's name was "Mexico or Bust" and this was just the beginning of a reckless week of mayhem. We boarded the ship...

Most of what happened is now a blur but we made sport of many rookie pilots...

, Rifter, Incursus, Execuror, Thorax, Rifter, Incursus, Merlin, Merlin, Retriever, Cormorant, and Punisher... For any rookie pirate looking to become a Tusker that right there friends with only one ship is more then enough to meet the solo kill requirement of the Tuskers.

I ran into a few fellow Tuskers along the way and teamed up to kill an Execuror, Rifter, and a Caracal

Poppy Seed also bet me I couldn't ninja on an Archon class carrier killmail with a silly rookie ship.

9 Pods were destroyed.

We also made a new friend

Jarvan Gray > lol you even looted my wreck for the t1 items?
Jarvan Gray > thats a new low
Jarvan Gray > Its kinda sad even
Jarvan Gray > the tuskers here yesterday would win fights, then leave their T2 drones lying around because it was too much effort to scoop them up again
Jarvan Gray > I may have to eve-mail your ceo as to your lack of omnipotence
Jarvan Gray > very disapointing
Mr Snypes > the rest of the corp is asking who your favourite tuskers are
Jarvan Gray > Shrafe was the fellow who so masterfully ganked everyone in the system yesterday
Mr Snypes > hmm seems like a good choice he's got top spot for kills this week so far
Jarvan Gray > The eve Mail has been Sent, I'm sure Mr. jolo will reprimand you in short order!
Mr Snypes > excellent I'm sure I will get to read it soon
Jarvan Gray > You will recieve a firm talking to, no doubt
Jarvan Gray > If that doesn't make you tremble in your space booties, I dont know what will
Mr Snypes > Pop music is about the only thing I'm affraid of
Jarvan Gray > Then perhaps it will be played on your TS
Jarvan Gray > I know how ruthless you pirate types are

Partied with other pirates in local...

Mr Snypes > Somebody throws a baby.... Oh sh*t!
Do a spin move and catch it and the crowd goes crazy!
Mr Snypes > \o/
eviwyn > xD
eviwyn > (o)
*eviwyn crowsurfs
eviwyn > lol
eviwyn > late on evening == bad spelling xD
Mr Snypes > no worries pirates aren't supposed to be good at spelling
eviwyn > true :D
eviwyn > as long as we do the yarrr its all fine
*Mr Snypes does a killer dance move before selecting jump
Mr Snypes > o7
eviwyn > o7

And got blown up by a Rapier.

Sure there aren't any seriously epic or amazing kills in there but it just goes to show you can have THAT much fun for the price of one frigate. As I was ejected from the ship I swear I saw another escape capsule make it's way to safety. I have a feeling that's not the last any of us will see of Broadway and Poppy Seed as they make their way across the galaxy one adventure at a time.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Asleep on the Job

After consuming large amounts of this...

Followed by this...

I passed out in a safe spot and was having the strangest dream...

Suddenly, I woke with a start in the Costolle stations clone vat... what? First time I died afk in a safe spot is what... I feel like such a lousy pirate and what's worse is a buzz doesn't transfer over to a new clone so what a waste of booze.


Monday, May 10, 2010

Pirate Spirit of the Month - Los Arango

Ok first off after drinking this stuff you will completely deny losing any ships untill the next morning when you check your killboard... This is a promise. Drink on fellow pirates.


Lasers On Everything!!!

(Just something to listen to while you read that will add to the post)

I was off the bridge spending a little personal time in the Captains quarters with crew members Cherry, and Daisy.

The ship was drifting off a planet in a quiet section of space. Suddenly, the alarms sounded and a call to battle stations came over the intercom. I thew on my bathrobe and pirate boxers and ran towards the bridge with no time for such details as socks or a uniform. Upon arriving a Diemos class Heavy Assult Ship was 24km off my mighty Thorax class cruiser. Upon a closer inspection he was fielding T2 medium blasters. Instead of running like a coward I saw my advantage and ordered an orbit set for 17km and began firing my scorch loaded medium pulse lasers in addition to setting a deck of medium drones upon my foe.

Things were looking pretty groovy as I appeared faster then my foe and he had no real way of reaching me other then a set of med drones he himself had fielded. All of a sudden time stood still. I had a vision that I was some primitive humanoid playing an inferior game device that had frozen and refused to function properly. By the time the vision had faded the Diemos had overheated and caught me in close quarters. I did what I could and swapped to multifrequency but by the time I was able to overheat my own microwarpdrive and pull away once again the damage had been done. At about 20km just moments from completing my escape maneuver the mighty Rainbow Sprinkles succumbed to drone fire and disintegrated into a fireball.

I was depressed. I truly believe that I stood a chance against such a ship and the glory of my win would have been epic and cemented the success of my laser nano thorax into the history books. Unfortunately the gods decided to punish me for my sins. Hopefully Cherry and Daisy managed to escape from the doomed ship because I still had some unfinished business with them. Pirate life can be heartbreaking at times.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

New Corporation Recruitment Blunders

So, the lovely Mrs Snypes was running some errands in high sec while Mr Snypes was off to his book club meeting (at least that's what he had told her). An invitation to chat popped up and a young chap sounding very much like a telemarketer began his pitch... As a joke Mr Snypes is linked directly in her bio wich tells me that this guy hadn't even checked to see what sort of character I was. The following is a bit of the conversation and in brackets are Mrs Snypes thoughts on the matter.

Smythis > hi
Mrs Snypes > hello
Smythis > I was wondering if you could help us out? (possible profit? scam? go on)
Mrs Snypes > in what way?
Smythis > We need dedicated people to help us build a corporation you interested? (Oh god here we go)
Smythis > We're currently building an navy. As a corp we RTM ( Recruit, Train, as well as Maintain ) members into the organization. (blah, blah, blah RTM? are you serious? I'm so dazzled by your ability to use such professional terms)
Smythis > As a member of s13. You'll be treated with respect. You'll be a valued asset to our corporation. (A lot more then that lousy Mr Snypes has ever given me)
Mrs Snypes > (name removed for security purposes) you should ask that guy
Smythis > We're asking you.
Smythis > It is an honor to be in our corp.
Smythis > We need capable leaders in leadership positions. You could be one of them. (Yes a homemaker/trade alt like myself would make such an excellent leader)
Mrs Snypes > so are you guys like pirates plotting to take over new eden disguised as a neutral corp?
Smythis > No we are not pirates.
Smythis > We are actually anit piracy.

( ...)

Smythis > Currently working on getting our standings higher.
Smythis > We're at war with griefer corps but we've never surrendered. (because you made them surrender instead right?)
Mrs Snypes > anti piracy? how do you manage that? aren't pirates like the best pvp pilots in the game?
Smythis > We'll that's the goal anyways. We're not quite there, but we're working on it. We need your help and people like you to stop this threat to new eden. (My help? I'm just a dumb trade alt... wait what? threat to new eden?)
Smythis > Interested? (hell no)
Smythis > We do not randomly attack people. Our goals and agenda are the growth and success of s13 period.
Mrs Snypes > I understand being an anti griefer but taking on pirates is too scarry for me
Smythis > By the time we get to that point our numbers will be in the hundreds.
Smythis > It's still a ways out.
Smythis > For example our current corp capacity is 100 people.
Smythis > We only have I believe 20 members though. (Wow, I'm surprised you have that many to be honest are they alts of yours?)
Smythis > We're currently working on increasing the corp capacity as well.
Smythis > We need your help with Recruiting, Training, as well as Maintaing members into the organization. (So basically I do your job? Sounds like fun when can I start!!!)
Smythis > When you standing side by side in an epic battle with the very same people you've come to recruit, train, as well as maintain. You'll have known it was all worth it. (So that "RTM" in action right?)
Mrs Snypes > I don't like teaming up on people... I would feel more proud about winning a difficult fight based on skill rather then numbers :/
Smythis > If there is war declared upon us. And it happens. We will bring our forces into the fold to defend our corporations assets. Our members our our biggest asset. We will not declair war on other corporations as a general rule.
Mrs Snypes > so are you expecting plenty of war or a lot of peace and quiet?
Smythis > I would hope for peace. As we continue to grow I forsee others having issue with our operational success. This is why we "R,T,M". To ensure we as a corporation exist and have some measure of success. (I just love it when you keep repeating RTM it's soo dreamy)
Smythis > I want you apart of that success Snypes. (Me? I'm so lucky!!! but you don't even know me... what if I were a terrible person, or worse a pirates trade alt)


The convo went on and we talked about the space hobo lifestyle and the wild asteroid protection act etc... I felt a bit bad wasting his precious recruitment time but I needed to entertain myself while I was filling out orders and trying to buy ships and modules to use against everything that poor recruiter believed in. Sigh oh well.

Note: RTM is a registered trademark of the s13 corperation.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I made this video back when I was a young pilot. If I can remember correctly pasta sauce was spilled on my shirt while this was being filmed.

That's Mr. Snypes to You

First before I introduce myself could I guide your mouse to the link below to enhance this posts entertainment value as you read on.

I Mr Snypes, self proclaimed intergalactic man of leisure, would like to introduce you to my logs. I am a New Eden space pirate currently flying among the ranks of the Tuskers. Women, tobacco, and spirits are my life and in order to afford the expensive nature of my habbits you can often find me stalking the space lanes in the Verge Vendor region.

I am also the founder of a rehabilitation program geared towards helping and training former exotic dancers for meaningful careers in space. Many of the top graduates are often hired directly by myself as crew members on my ships. The academy raises funds through the highly popular Space Bunnies magazine that is released on a monthly basis featuring many of the girls currently studying at the academy.

I live life in the fast lane and these logs shall document my adventures.